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Swish

by Dermot McGrath


BOXING DAY is a day when?


Culture Vulture

by Dermot McGrath December 2017

Music

Which African country inspired Bob Geldof to write this soong?

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Geography

With which Scandanavian country is Santa Claus associated with:

Arts

What is this?

History

When was Jesus Christ born?


Smile for a While


Christmas morning all, I’m Tom Red.

Here are our two jokes for this week. And they're Christmassy jokes of course.

Remember what I told you once upon a time... that corny jokes are just so stupid you have to laugh at them. Because if you don’t, maybe you’ll just want to cry.

But some people can think that the corny jokes are better than “great” jokes. Let’s see what you think, reader... 

A GOOD JOKE

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight.

He checked her out carefully and soon told the mother that her daughter was pregnant. The mother protested angrily.

'But my daughter has never ever been with a man!'

The girl confirmed this was true and said she had never even kissed a man.

The doctor examined the girl very carefully for a second time. Then he stood up and walked to the window and looked out. He looked all over the sky for more than a minute.

The mother was becoming more and more frightened and asked him if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'Perhaps it’s just a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared in the East.'

A CORNY JOKE

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandmother's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the older one began to pray in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His younger brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

So now you know what a corny joke is :–(

Dermot McGrath ebooks



Oneliners

When you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree


Foreign words & expressions


Nollaig Shona

means Happy Christmas in which language?

 


Think Language

“I’ll speak to the doctor if I can and then I’ll tell you the news” John said to Mary. From this sentence we know that:

If you don't agree with Tom Red's Language Logic, just send him a message to lpdermot@gmail.com and he will reply to you.


Grammar Under Hammer

Some LP Elementary Students don’t know that:

Many native speakers are beginning to spell Christmas using just an X to replace Christ (Xmas).

A lot of people don’t like to read this and they call it The War on Christmas because they say it takes Christ out of Christmas.

But this is a religious view more than a linguistic one.

I think it’s all right for postcards and emails, not to mention text messages, but for any serious writing you must spell it CHRISTMAS.

 

CHRISTMAS RULES OK!!

 


Lpcomment

by Tom Red

A THOUGHT AT CHRISTMAS

"Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill and in prison, and you did not care for me." Then they will answer and say, "Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?" He will answer them, "Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me." And these will go off to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life. (Matt. 25:41-45)

MY MISSION STATEMENT

A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING, SO
LEARN MORE AND BE SAFE!!

First and foremost, The Moonday Times is a magazine aimed at helping students practise their English. They say studying improves brain and mind. Great!
But for some, it’s like eating half-cooked broccoli every day because it’s good for your body. Ughhh! Not great!

Of course there are many factors at play.

Study is associated with school. We were forced to learn when we were small because, basically, the more knowledge we possessed, the better our chances were of getting a good job. Study was a necessity, it was never intended to be a pleasure.

But as we got older, the accumulation of knowledge became a choice, free from the constraints of exams. Almost all of us in the Western world have become self-learners to a greater or lesser extent and we gather all manner of facts and figures that interest us from sport to the night sky.
The 3 Rs (Reading – wRriting – aRithmetic) provided us with letters and numbers, the basic tools to explore the world far beyond our own personal experiences. They allowed us to assimilate facts and they spawned our fantasies. They engendered desires and inspired our dreams. We know about events that occurred hundreds and thousands of years ago and venture to speculate about things that might occur far in the future. But the present is a cornucopia of happenings some of which, if we are lucky, we can experience live at home or abroad. Even If we’re not so lucky to be in the exotic country of our dreams or in the stadium to watch the big match, smartphones and space-age watches keep us updated in real time. Yet, many of us are just as happy to relegate the reception of information to the tv screens and computers of our own living rooms.
My bi-monthly magazine, The Moonday Times is not primarily designed to teach you anything. I myself have to research, learn and double check many facts before I write each edition.
Rather, it is designed to test in a fun way all that knowledge you yourself have (or have not) accumulated of your own choosing during your life.

The MOONDAY TIMES brings you 8 main sections, viz.

Swish – this is a quick fact in English which may surprise foreign learners, e.g.
BRUNCH is a combnination of BReakfast and lUNCH
Oneliners – “I have nothing to declare except my genius,” said Oscar Wilde to custom offficials on entering the U.S
Smile For a While – you can read jokes in English. The idea is that they will make you smile but sometimes the jokes are so bad that you want to cry (we call these corny jokes)
Foreign Words and Expressions – In this section you will read the meaning of words like ad hoc and see it in a sample sentence
Grammar Under the Hammer – Check your Grammar level and grasp of Semantics – 5 levels - Beginner to Native Speaker
LPComment . Guest writer Tom Red talks about a topical subject or event. As distinct from newspapers which voice an opinión, LPComment is merely informative.
Culture Vulture – This is the main section and is divided into 4 categories, Music – Arts –History and Geography There are 4 levels - easy to very difficult.
THINK LANGUAGE is a special section I have made so that you can test your ability to understand the logic of the English language by using your grammar skills and deducing the correct connotation of words and expressions.

Language is very similar to mathematics in the sense that grammar structures will combine with definitive word meanings to produce a given result, e.g.

Simple structure – easy concept:

I’ll arrive at the station at 8 o’clock.

Complex structure – difficult concept:

If I had had time, I would have gone to the supermarket.

However difficult this second sentence may prove for foreign students of English, even the most academically uneducated native speaker will express it correctly. Both structure and concept have been deeply ingrained in her language brain since childhood.

So come on, test your Language logic with Think Language!

MY PARTING SHOT
DON’T DO IT WELL?
WELL DON’T DO IT!